stevenewson's posterous

D-Day came early...

The consultant rheumatologist rang me late on Monday. He's spoken with the chest specialist, them both having resumed after a couple of day's holiday the back end of last week. We dance around whether or not I can come into Northampton to see him immediately. I suggest that he can tell me the news over the phone. I can tell he's reluctant. 

The news isn't good. I have an adenocarcinoma - it's a form of lung cancer - ironically the most common form of lung cancer in non-smokers. It's an aggressive, quick growing strain - it would be wouldn't it! So the rheumatologist has referred me to an oncologist. I now await contact from the oncologist for an appointment to discuss details - prognosis and treatment plan. Ironically, more waiting...

The problem of waiting...

Before I get started, I just had to tell you a great joke I heard this week. Things you don't want to hear in hospital:  Yes, I'm afraid it's the Big C. You were standing by the side of Curry's when the Big C fell off and hit you on the head! 

I fell about when I heard it. If you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm afraid the waiting has made some gallows humour kick in a bit. 

It's all about the waiting at the moment. I saw the GP on Friday, but only because I was running out of morphine. He signed off on so much morphine that I had to fill in the controlled substances box on the prescription form in the chemists for the first time ever. I have the feeling he was probing my psychological state before prescribing me that much of a controlled drug. I guess that's fair enough and something we'd all really think is a sensible precaution just before a large quantity of a lethal drug is handed out. 

He did ask me one question that has made been on and off my mind since he mentioned it. He asked me if I was ready for a diagnosis of lung cancer. I think the context for his question was me telling him that I've not really had that much of an emotional reaction since the day of the diagnosis, or C-day as my girlfriend calls it. Of course I was shocked on C-day. There were any number of emotions swirling around in the immediate aftermath of the announcement. But one emotion I haven't yet done is anger and I think it's kind of expected that I'm going to do anger at some stage. So I think he was checking my preparedness or readiness to hear the worst of all possible outcomes when I get the biopsy results on Tuesday. The trouble is my mind has now got me thinking he already knew the outcome - because for other reasons I believe my case was discussed at a case conference on Thursday at Northampton General Hospital. So I'm putting two and two together to make five. I'm sure it's form that the chest specialist tells me the outcome of the biopsy, so I don't get to hear what the result is until tomorrow (Tuesday) but sometimes when I turn it over in my mind I think he already knew. Then again, he asked me questions and made other comments that suggested he didn't know. 

And there lies the problem with waiting. The longer you wait, the more your mind fills in the gaps. 

Tomorrow is D-day. Diagnosis day. Well, it might be, because all I might find out is that the tests so far are inconclusive and further tests are needed. I'm going to need something to take my mind of the waiting if all I'm facing tomorrow is more waiting. 

Starting my fight against cancer...

So there I am, sat with my consultant rheumatologist and my girlfriend to find out the results of the most recent tests that have been undertaken to find out why I've been experiencing pain which has moved around my neck, back, shoulders and rib cage. The last time I saw the rheumatologist he'd said that if the pain hadn't started to go away by this time then we'd be moving on to do some form of bone biopsy to find out what was going on. I didn't need the test results to know that the issue wasn't going away on it's own, the pain I am suffering was telling me that much. The consultant began to tell me what they'd found. I am still processing the first lines of what he said to me. He was moving on to tell me that a biopsy had been arranged for me on the Friday, two days hence. I interrupted to say that Friday was a bit difficult as I had an important workshop arranged on Friday. My consultant gave me a look that I can only describe as pity. I think my girlfriend wanted to smack me round the chops. It still took me a few more moments to process what he'd first told me.

I have cancer.

To be honest I think, seven days later, I'm still processing that line. I'm also in a bit of no mans land because I don't know what type of cancer I have yet or what the prognosis is. They did a lung biopsy last Friday, not because they necessarily think I have lung cancer, but the cancer has spread to my lungs and I have a partially collapsed lung. I think they started with the lung because it's the least invasive biopsy and may tell them everything they need to know at this stage. If it doesn't it may give them enough to point to the best place for the next biopsy. We are in diagnostic territory and I am in the hands of the professionals. To be fair the care I've had so far has been fantastic. My consultant doesn't often have to tell people they have cancer. He looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him when he was telling me. Yet he was a credit to his profession. To kind of sum up what I know so far...

(1) I have cancer markers in my blood
(2) The CT scan shows evidence the cancer is widespread
(3) I have a partially collapsed lung

I went on from the consultant pretty much immediately to see my GP. It's amazing how cancer opens doors, usually I'd never be able to get an appointment with my GP within 2 hours. My GP was, and is, great. We discussed pain control and I've been moved onto morphine based painkillers. He told me he'd be giving me a sick note for a couple of weeks. I said okay. He said he thought he was going to have to persuade me as apparently he has me down as a bit reluctant to be sick. He said he was ready to fight me off anyway as (a) getting used to the morphine was likely to make the drowsiness I have been suffering from worse and (b) I need to be available for the diagnostic / biopsy process as and when. This side of things is all bit unclear at the moment as well. All linked to finding out what I have and what the prognosis is.

I've stayed away from the internet so far in terms of researching cancer. I don't want to scare myself by reading horror stories of what I don't have. When they get to the end of this stage and tell me what I have then I want to know everything. I want to know how to fight this and how to beat it. I know one other thing. One of the ways I'm going to beat this is with happiness. I sometimes go by the alternate job title of "Chief Happiness Officer" at work because I believe that happiness is an important component of success. If I am dying I don't want people around me to be sad for me in an enduring way. It's okay to be a bit sad about the news - hell, you can imagine I was a bit sad about the news, but I don't want to be surrounded by perpetual glumness. I could not have gotten through the last week without the support of my girlfriend. One thing I immediately understood about this all was that all the support is focused on me, and none of it on those close to me and on whom this is going to impact dramatically. I've been on the carer side of this type of announcement, admittedly not a cancer diagnosis though, and this stuff is hard. I tell you all this now because I'm likely to talk about this stuff through my social media output - my blog, twitter, Facebook etc etc and if that's going to bore you, upset you, or just mean that I'm no longer a business development opportunity and therefore no longer a person of interest to you then get on with it an unfriend me or unfollow me now. I won't be offended.

Sent from my iPad

Don't worry lads, we're not crap, it was all a Russian mafia plot!

Did anyone else wonder why a player who made more errors leading to goals than any other player in the Premier League last season was picked somewhat "out of the blue" as England's goalkeeper. This sounds like some kind of Russian mafia plot. Hmmm, didn't we just insinuate something about Russian money being used to buy off World Cup games. The plot thickens! Sent from my iPad

Time to review our gun laws?

So okay, call me a pinko liberal all you like but events like the massacre in Cumbria yesterday do make me glad that I live in a country that does not have a fundamental right for it's citizens to bear arms.

I don't know much about our current guns laws but now might be a good time to review the relevant legislation. The problem with that thought is that I suspect the right wingers would probably seek to relax the current laws as they by instinct appear to represent the hunting (and by extension) the shooting lobby. Sent from my iPad

Mindmapping on the iPad

Does anyone know if Mindjet are planning a release of MindManager specifically for the iPad? I often mindmap on my PC but never really found the iPhone a comfortable platform for this activity. I'm pretty sure the iPad will be a great platform for mindmapping and know that there is an iPhone app, but I don't want to waste money getting that version and using it on the iPad if an iPad compatible version is just around the corner.